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bushisgonein08

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Orajel(TM)+Single+Dose+Cold+Sore+Treatment [24 Oct 2013|09:14pm]
Orajel(TM)+Single+Dose+Cold+Sore+Treatment</a>
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I Just Joined Smiley360 [10 Oct 2013|04:02pm]
I Just Joined Smiley360
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I Just Joined Smiley360 [10 Oct 2013|04:01pm]
I Just Joined Smiley360
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[22 Feb 2013|04:45am]
God, I don't wanna fight anymore. I don't have the strength anymore. The one thing in my life that I should never screw up is my son..and now he has another woman raisin him..and he doesn't even know the difference. I can't do this anymore. I need my family. I need my son..and I can't have him. He's my strength and I don't have him. I just wanna give up. I don't wanna do this anymore. Everyday just get harder.


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[18 Jan 2013|05:15pm]

I try so freaking hard to stay positive..but it's hard when you just want to get back on your feet and it's never good enough. Something always has to go wrong. Nobody wants you around. Everybody pushes you away. I am so tired of everything. I'm trying really hard to stay positive..to want to be alive but it's so hard sometimes.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[03 Jan 2013|11:09am]

Ugh. I hate having anxiety problems. Muc less not having insurance to go see a psychiatrist. I can't sleep at night and my stomach is in knots in the morning. I feel like I have bricks sittin on my chest. Layin down taking deep breaths doesn't work. Relaxing music doesn't work. I finally go valerian root and took a couple of those pills and they really haven't helped. I'm trying so hard not to take my Xanax because I'm almost out..at least it's not a panic attack as well..it's just my anxiety. When I start having a panic attack I hyperventilate and usually black out. I just want to relax and go back to bed honestly. I hate this. I hate feeling like I have to take medication to feel normal. I feel like it makes me a crazy person. I'm not a crazy person..I just can't think right. I'm trying so hard to start this year off positive..but when I don't take my Xanax is when I get depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I need to talk to a crazy doctor..I am having to take 3-4mg of Xanax to control an anxiety attack and I am only prescribed 1mg a day. Sigh. I just want to be normal again.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[30 Dec 2012|10:19am]

Going to try something new tonight..thinking of taking a few bars and then going toget a few drinks. I figure..I will be so fucked up that I won't be bothered by everything that is fucked up in my life..or maybe my body will be super sensitive to the mix and it will just end it all..either way, I don't see it Ending badly.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[22 Dec 2012|03:00pm]

Trying to find some positivity today. Hoping when I get the money I can find a cheap psychiatrist to go see to hopefully get put On some medication. My boyfriend kicked me out..I'm not sure if we are still together or not but he said after Christmas I have to leave. If I decide to do this thing called living...I need to find a job. Chris said that's the biggest problem is that I sit around all day as don't try to find a job. I do try to find a job and have put my application out at a lot of places. Sigh. Idk..I still feel like I will never be good enough..but Chris has been pretty sweet through most of today and last night. He's been mad at me and I can understand why..but he understands how shitty I feel right now. I just need to find some motivation. I've lost weight..10 pounds actually. In like 2 weeks. Makes me feel a little better but I don't want to change my life style for it. Idk. I'm trying to find some kind of strength in me but idk what to do anymore.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[22 Dec 2012|02:20am]

Ugh. No matter what I do I screw up. I'm ready to leave this hospital.. Though after tonight..I'm not sure where I am going to go.

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[21 Dec 2012|06:23pm]
14 fioricet and a bottle of moscato? Cheers to a good night in hopes of not
Waking up. It s'posd to be the end of the world right?
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[21 Dec 2012|06:14pm]

M m

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[21 Dec 2012|08:42am]

Dang. When I take 2 or more of my fioricet..I feel amazing.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[20 Dec 2012|12:40pm]

Lack of sleep makes you feel certain ways. I've taken 3 of my fioricets and right now I feel so calm. Going to get a bottle of wine to down tonight, and possibly the rest of this bottle. I was served the orders stating that I really can't even see my son. My ex won't let me talk to him on the phone. Won't send me pictures. I can't do this anymore. I love my little boy more then life itself..but I can't live without him. I need him in my life, and if I can't have him in my life..I don't deserve to live. My ex called me a negligent mother..I never neglected him. I was the best mother I could be, but apparently..it's not in the cards for me to be a mother. I just wish I could hold him one more time. Tell him I love him just one more time. Put him to bed one more time..take him to the park one more time. Give him one more kiss..and hold him extra right.i tried..I really tried Liam. I am so sorry I wasn't good enough. I am so sorry I was an unfit mother. I love you more then anything in this world..I tried..god I really tried. I am so sorry I wasn't a better mommy. I am so sorry.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[20 Dec 2012|07:18am]

Dear god,

I can't do this anymore. I'm not strong anymore. I'm an unfit mother, an unfit daughter, an unfit sister, an unfit fried, and an unfit girlfriend. I screw up everything. I'm not good enough for anyone. I'm fat and in ugly. I cant get a job. I've lost most of my family and my friends. I've tried to be there..I've tried to get a job..I've tried and it's never good enough. I can't do this anymore. I need my baby in my life. I feel so lost.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[20 Dec 2012|04:53am]

Ugh. I'm sorry you can't sleep at night because I can't sleep at night..so I watch tv. I had a bad reaction to my new medication and now I can't sleep. My heart won't slow down. I feel like I'm on adderal and I can't stop. I can't slow down. I can't relax enough to just sleep. I'm sorry. I know you have to work all day..and I'm sorry. If it weren't raining outside and cold, I would just leave and go for a walk. I try so hard to be good enough for you, but don't lie..I will never be good enough for you. You are only letting me stay here out of pity. Don't worry Chris, I will end it soon and you won't have to deal with me anymore. I'm so sorry for the inconvenience.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[17 Dec 2012|09:56pm]

Dear will,

I hope this note finds you once I am gone. When an autopsy is completed, you will see that there is no cocaine in my system. Do a hair follicle test..you will find that I have never touched cocaine. You took away my only strength in this world. You took away my little boy. You replaced me..with another woman whom my son..MY SON calls mommy. Could you imagine how it would have felt if I ever remarried and had Liam call another man daddy? That is my little boy that will never know me. That's my baby that I will never read adieu to, never say prayers to, never get the chance to just hold again. Do you know what that would feel like..if you everything was taken from you? I was always a good mom and Liam was always my priority..you made me feel so low..I would never be a good enough mom. I would never compare to Jessica. Well guess what..now you have your wish..because I can't live without my son. All I ask is that you raise him right. Teach him to be a respectable young man. Let him follow his dreams, no matter what he wants to do. And more then anything, please never try to change him. Support him in whoever he chooses to be. He is perfect just the way he is.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[17 Dec 2012|08:47am]

Today is a hard day. I can already tell it's going to be a rough day. All I can think about is my little boys voice. Saying "mommy" and "I love you" I need him so badly. I just want him to be in my arms..I need hi to know I still love him. I can't live like this..without my son. I feel so worthless. I feel like..I must be an unfit mother because I can't have my little boy. I don't want to be here anymore..I'm not strong anymore.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[16 Dec 2012|10:56am]

Sitting in the er. Fixing to get a cocktail of pain meds. Sweeeeet. And a prescription for some pain meds for migraines. Finally. Hopefully they make me feel good for therest of the day and then give me good meds to create my own cocktail. Why does the thought of death not scare me? Why do I not feel guilty about wanting to end my life? It's like my mind is so set on ending my life..that nothing else effects me. I feel so numb to anything.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[16 Dec 2012|06:29am]

Well..for the time being I am still alive. I haven't been able to get my hands on an Xanax yet so in about an hour I'm making a trip to the er with migraines..in hopes of getting some pain pills. That mixed with the alcohol should have the same reaction. We will see.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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[14 Dec 2012|05:36am]

I have never been so depressed in my life. Everyday for a few weeks now, since Liam was taken away from me..I have thought about the least painful way to end my life. I think I finally figured it out. Xanax and alcohol. The Xanax will knock me out..I just have to drink enough before I black out and hopefully I just won't wake up.


In the event that someone finds this journal entry will you please cut out the top and give this to my son when he is old enough to understand:


Dear Liam,
I wish you could understand how much I love you. You have been my only strength since your father and I have split. Now I don't have that. I am so sorry that I couldn't be the mother you deserved. You have a good dad and I know he will take good care of you. Jessica is a good person too and will raise you well. I sit here and write this in tears because all I want in this world is to have you with me, and it's killing me, literally killing me that your father is doing this. I will always be watching over you, watching you grow. You are my everything. I just wish I could be the mother you deserve. I am so sorry Liam..it breaks my heart to know I can't be there to put you to bed. To wake up with you and spend time with you. That I can't have Christmas with my baby boy. That I don't even have the money to give you a Christmas. I hope and pray that you grow up to be a successful young man. Please never forget that I love you son.

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

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